As the days of spring give way to summer, I can no longer ignore the glaring, circled, underlined, highlighted item in bold on my to-do list: Spring Cleaning. It’s the time of year that reminds me, however reluctantly, to go through my room, my closet, my drawers, de-clutter, reorganize, and start fresh.

Why I tend to procrastinate with this chore year after year, I’m not quite sure. Perhaps it’s the daunting task of coming face to face with all the clothes that don’t fit, the loose pages of the short story I never wrote, the books I promised myself to but never read, that mother’s day card I never sent—all of my unfinished business, and in some cases, my dirty laundry, hanging out to dry.

But as I go through the motions, wipe away the dust, line up my shoes just so, put my notebooks together, put my loose photos neatly in boxes, and throw away the pajamas I haven’t worn since I was 15, I feel a great sense of calm. Of control. I have created an organized, stress-free environment. The only things left in here are the things that matter to me, all arranged for quick and easy view and access.

I am reminded that spring is not just a time of physical or spatial renewal, but of emotional cleaning as well. Just as in my bedroom, though daunting and intimidating as the task may start out, I can and must work through the clutter and muddle in my mind, in my heart. I can clear away the mental dust, the unworn, the unused, and make way for new thinking and for the parts of me I like best to shine. And the beauty of Spring Cleaning? I can always do it again next year!

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The claws of an eating disorder often extend further than the individual afflicted with the disease; family members and loved ones find their lives in upheaval as well.   When you find out that a loved one is battling an eating disorder, the best way to proceed can be a confusing and murky.  How do you communicate?  How do you approach issues such as food and self-image?  What actions can you take for yourself?

To begin with, full honesty must be the foundation of your relationship.  Forming a pact or contract can help keep emotions at bay when trying to promote an air of transparency.  While it’s important for the one who is struggling to express their needs and desires with you, you must also find a nonjudgmental way to express how the other person’s behavior affects you.  Employing clarity and simplicity when discussing your feelings is usually the most effective method.  Try keeping yourself as the subject of your sentences, articulating, “I feel…” in a neutral tone instead of stating what you see as the facts shaded with the tone of your emotions.

Food and self-image are probably the most volatile grounds in recovery.  During meals, try to refrain from discussing eating disorders.  Meals should be a gateway to life outside of an eating disorder.  During other times, however, encourage your loved one to process recent difficulties or episodes, either with you or in a journal, as quickly as possible.  Also, be attentive to the types of compliments you give.  Discussing appearance, even in a way that seems only positive to you, can ultimately do more harm than good.

Lastly, examine what role you might play in the problem.  To truly understand the impact of your words and actions, you will have to not only develop your listening skills, but also seek out information on eating disorders and related issues.  If you understand what specific pressures might have contributed, you will have a clearer picture of how to help.  If you are having trouble getting your loved one to begin therapy, you may want to consider getting professional help for yourself.  Besides being a great outlet for your own stress, this step could be a very clear statement that you recognize a problem.

Eating Disorder Recovery is certainly a difficult world, but with vigilance, patience, and persistence, you can navigate your way to a sustainable, healthy lifestyle together.

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Many people with eating-disorders have low self-esteem.  An excellent tool to develop higher self-esteem is to practice writing in a journal every day.  A journal is like a mirror into one’s soul.  It’s a great place to express emotion, creativity and to work through negative emotions.

Practicing mindfulness

Journaling can be used as a safe outlet to release private thoughts and feelings.  By practicing free flowing stream of consciousness writing, one can effectively explore one’s inner world.  Many people are far too busy to pay attention to the subtle inner feelings that arise in the course of the day.  By slowing down and taking the time to write them down, one can gain awareness of the types of thoughts one has, the type of inner dialogue one has whether positive or negative and the general mood those thoughts create.  That kind of self knowledge is priceless in working toward creating a more positive self-image.

The goal is not to suppress negative feelings, needs and heart’s desires because when those things are not released they create negative thoughts and self-image.  If those emotions get worked through everyday, the slate is clear for a more positive outlook.  I recommend getting a plain old boring regular spiral notebook as opposed to a pretty hardbound journal.  A pretty journal makes one feel pressured to write something lovely and poetic.  That is not the goal.  The goal is putting pen to paper, writing as much as possible about the negative thought patterns that we usually bottle up.  That way, the negativity will be released before it fuels one’s urge to binge.

Keeping a special notebook creates a form of intimacy because it necessitates establishing an honest, caring relationship with oneself.  Putting inner thoughts and feelings on paper makes them more tangible.  Since no one is reading it, total honesty can easily be achieved.   Reading it later may reveal negative patterns of thinking that may need to be challenged.  The result, a healthier outlook on one’s eating habits.

The journal should be treated with love and respect.   Practicing treating the journal that way will translate into a practice of treating the self that way too.  And what better way to gain self-esteem than by practicing treating the self with love and kindness?

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By Katie Funk

We see it everyday on TV, in magazines, or on the Internet.  Stories of extreme weight loss among celebrities are given major attention in the media. These people are praised and celebrated for their new “healthy” lifestyles and their decreasing dress size, and are presented as role models for our youth.  But I can’t help but wonder if these stories are only adding to the unrealistic ideals we hold about weight and body type.

Take Jennifer Hudson. She is the spotlight of diet and health in Hollywood right now, and because of her weigh loss, her career has shot through the roof.  Her efforts to shed pounds has been described as “inspiring” when she lost 10 dress sizes and 80 pounds in about a year.  She claims she just wanted her body back, but it is hard to believe that a once naturally curvy girl is healthy at such a small size. But that is what celebrities do.  They take things to the extreme. Once unhealthy and overweight, celebrities diet to gain fame, forgetting their initial motivation of a healthy life.

The media has taken a new spin on “skinny”. First attacking those for being too thin, then praising those for reaching their limits beyond their body type. The magazines have chosen just one body type that they deem as healthy, ignoring the truth that people can be equally healthy at so many different weights. These so-called success stories are just another loophole for celebrities and Hollywood to continue their unhealthy weight loss, all while claiming it is healthy.  And the chase to be stick thin will continue to drive the ideal body unless we accept that healthy does not equal extreme dieting or the retouched images we see on the pages of fashion magazines. A healthy weight is different for everyone, something the media seems to be ignoring.

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Growing up fat was very hard for me—kids always pointed and made fun of me. I was born to be to be a loner, and I ate when I was bored and lonely. Sometimes I couldn’t even eat at certain restaurants because the tables couldn’t accommodate me. Growing up fat was a lifestyle—my entire family was fat, even my dogs! During grade school I gained weight very easily. My days consisted of watching TV and I never exercised.

Post-Op

When I was 20, I met a girl. We ended up getting married, and she had a mother who loved to cook. Her mother would constantly cook for me, and when she wasn’t around, my wife and I would travel all around Los Angeles searching for new places to dine. About 6 years later, I started to use my size to my advantage. I tried acting; I danced shirtless in Whoopi Goldberg’s Eddie with “Knicks” painted on my chest. Even though I tried to make the best out of my situation, and even had a couple brief claim-to-fames, my weight was always more of a problem than a solution. For instance, shopping was exceedingly difficult—how do you shop for a 625-pound, 29-year-old man? Sometimes after walking as little as 7 or 8 steps, I would have to sit down.

By the time I was 30, I had Laparoscopic Surgery (Gastric Bypass). I lost more than 100 pounds in my first month. My old clothes became so big after my surgery that I could literally climb into one leg of my pants! In total, I lost more than 400 pounds. There was a catch, though: my doctor told me not to drink alcohol because I didn’t have a stomach anymore. I had started experimenting with alcohol in 2006. I soon realized that after my surgery I could get drunk a lot faster, and so my alcoholism kicked into high gear, and I eventually lost my wife. I quickly put on another 135 pounds and then started a strict regimen of restricting. Because I was so hung-over, I would only eat a minimal amount of food.

I’ve since stopped drinking and now weigh 300 pounds, which is 75 pounds more than my smallest weight, and 325 pounds less than my highest weight! I’ve learned to accept my current size. Yes, I did change my external size and yes, I’m sober, but I still need to work on that “hole” I have inside of me. All in all, if you’re at least 100 pounds overweight, I recommend weight loss surgery. It changed my life and it could change yours, but make sure that you get a good therapist. I learned the hard way that the surgery only fixes the outside, and not the inside.

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By Lee Harmon

Last week I was doing some research on recent discoveries or studies done on eating disorders. I came across a website that featured a French woman who has since died from complications with anorexia.  She was a model, and there were many beautifully taken photos of her; however, her painfully emaciated body was all that I could focus on.  She was literally nothing but flesh and bones, her sharp features made even sharper by her nonexistent body fat.   She looked like a skeleton with skin.

The crazy thing was that I felt two conflicting emotions while looking at her photos. On one hand I was repulsed by what I saw because the woman clearly was starving to death, and on the other hand I felt a slight tinge of envy. It got me thinking how messed up my own ideas about anorexia really are. Even though this woman DIED from her disease I still felt that she had achieved something that I could not achieve.  It is clear to me that I still glamorize people who are super thin.   I still have ideas in my head that if I could stay under a certain body weight I will achieve permanent happiness.

I know this is not true.   I have been skin and bones and been more miserable than ever.   At the time the only thing I could do was starve myself.    I couldn’t get a job, pay a bill, or show up to an appointment.    My entire self worth was determined by my ability to control my weight and appearance.   I thought if you were disturbed looking at me then you were probably envious at my level of control over food.    But I was living in a tiny world by myself.   Because I was so obsessed with my body, I could not focus on anyone or anything else.

Knowing that I have an eating disorder has helped me because now I know that I can question previously held ideas about myself.  It has also gotten me to a place where I can ask for help and get support from others who suffer as I suffer.   Photos of emaciated people are going to live forever on the internet, but with some effort on my part I can choose not to look at them if I know I am triggered by them.

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By Lee Harmon

I try hard not to weigh myself anymore.    It’s not as easy as it may seem, but I find that I am a much more content person if I don’t know what I weigh.   When I do know what I weigh, I seem to be more obsessed than ever about numbers.    If I am above or below my “ideal” weight it’s the only thing I can think about.   So I avoid scales.    Sort of.

It’s a bit like trying to avoid alcohol.     Even if I am abstaining from alcohol, it still exists all around me either in restaurants or in grocery stores or on billboards.    Alcohol is not going away.   Neither are scales.    I can be minding my own attention browsing through Target and I will happen to pass by a scale.   In the past I have taken the scale off of its shelf and hopped on.    After I read the number I lose interest in anything else I might have been thinking about.  There are scales in gym locker rooms, scales at the doctor’s office, scales at friends’ houses.    Scales are not going away.

What is more important to me as a person with an eating disorder is to know whether or not it’s good for me to know my weight.    If I use the scale to engage in harmful behaviors such as starving myself or restricting food, then I am probably not in the best emotional state to know my weight.   Also scales vary greatly in accuracy so I am probably not getting my true weight.   I’ve also noticed than I weigh more at night than in the morning, almost a five-pound difference at times.

The scale is not my friend.   My eating disorder loves the scale because it knows it will make itself the most important mission at hand.     It takes me hostage and the central thoughts in my head will be about weight control or body image.    Once again it has me under its tight control.   I’m not saying that I will never again get on a scale, but for right now, it’s best I am left in the dark.

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By Lee Harmon

I was driving down the road the other day and I saw something that had me super confused.   It was a giant billboard of a beautiful, blonde woman showing off her flat, tanned stomach.    On the billboard was the question “How did this mother of three get high school skinny?”     And of course there was a business name and a 1-800 number to call.    High school skinny?     What does that mean?   My brain was flooded with all sorts of conflicting emotions.    At first I thought the obvious – How DOES a mother of three get high school skinny?    Is it a diet pill, an exercise regime, or some kind of metabolism boosting beverage?   I immediately started judging myself for only giving birth to one child and not being as skinny as I was in high school.      Then I began to wonder why a mother of three should be as skinny as she was in high school.    In high school we are still considered teenagers.   We are not adults yet and our bodies are not yet designed to act as adults.    It’s also known that metabolism decreases with age.   It’s ludicrous to say that any mother needs to look like a 17 year-old.

I am in my late 30’s and am a single mother of a three year-old daughter.    I am working to get back a career so that I can support the two of us.    I have a lot going on in my life as I try to set a positive example for her.   I want her to see me as a mother who is smart, capable and confident.   What kind of message would I be sending my child if I were to be aspiring to an ideal that is unhealthy and unrealistic.    I should hope that I have goals in my life that extend beyond my physical appearance.    I don’t want my child growing up with the idea that her worth as a woman is determined by how thin she is.

I realize that companies are going to forever be selling products to have us believe that they have the magic potion of how to achieve the impossible.   That is not going to change; however, I think that it is up to us to pass on to our children the more important aspects of what it means to be a successful adult.         And when I ask myself what do I want for my daughter, it has nothing to do with her physical appearance.    I want my child to be happy and fulfilled by who she is on the inside, to have a sense of herself, and a respect for others.     So I am actually happy for that silly billboard with the skinny mother of three because it has allowed me to think about the messages I want to pass on to my child.    Now maybe I’ll have more awareness of how I treat and accept my own body because I know the most important message that she will receive is the one she receives from me.

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By Lee Harmon

I find that living with an eating disorder is like having a cruel, critical voice living inside you.    The voice is constantly making comments about how you look and what you eat or don’t eat.   I find that I am always in conflict with this voice, because even though I know that what it is telling me is harmful, it is very persuasive.   It tells me not to eat breakfast.   It tells me to not eat bread or pasta – ever.   It tells me I won’t be attractive to men if I have fat legs or a soft stomach.  This voice starts talking to me the moment I wake up and then continues to make comments to me all day long.

My eating disorder looks for ways that it can keep me held hostage.   When I discovered the ADD  drug, Adderall, I thought that I had found a solution to suppressing my appetite.   When I took the drug I felt I had endless energy without needing to eat at all.   I quickly lost a lot of weight, and I felt euphoric; however, I became out of control and totally detached from reality.  To combat the anxiety that came along with Adderall, I drank alcohol and took sedatives.  I would be busy all day, but I wouldn’t really accomplish anything.   My behavior at my job was completely unreliable.  I eventually got fired, and I ended up in treatment again.

Recently, I went to a department store to buy some new jeans.  I picked out a few pair to try on in the dressing room. As I looked in the mirror I felt disgusted.   What I saw staring back at me was a fat person. The eating disorder voice inside me told me to leave the store and start starving myself.   It told me I had gotten out of control and lacked the discipline to restrict food.   But because I have been learning about body dismorphia, I told the voice to shut up.  I was able to buy the jeans that fit me and leave the store.

What I am trying to do now is challenge this voice by recognizing it. When I hear the eating disorder start talking I confront it by reminding myself that I need to eat in order to be healthy, that eating regular meals is normal. I have to recall what damage my eating disorder has done to my life so that I don’t revert back to old behaviors.

It’s not peaceful to live this way. It’s not fun for the central thought in my mind to be concerned with what I look like to other people.  My eating disorder blocks out all other thoughts and keeps me separated from my family and friends because I can never truly connect with anyone. There is some invisible barrier between the world and myself.  The eating disorder wants to keep me entirely in its control so that I have no room for anyone else to be in my life. And this is not okay with me anymore. So a day at a time I am beginning to quiet the negative voice and give myself the opportunity to get out of the endless cycle of rigid control and self-criticism. I am a beautiful work in progress!

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